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I spent years believing that grit was my superpower ...

... and that I was the one who consciously decided to eat the world in chunks. I hated whiners. If I could have crushed them I would have.

I started working during the summer at 11 as a boatkid paid with cigarettes and tips, and kept working ever since.

At 18 I took a plane to go to London with a backpack full of tapes to get my band a contract signed.

I felt like I could just decide what to do and do it.

That to me was the difference between losers and winners!

Even though I never made it as a musician, I carry with me the memory of having recorded together with my soul brother "Forgotten sand" at Abbey Road studios while being homeless and having 3 jobs a day.

I was and still am profoundly uneducated.

I never understood school, and even a pinch of authority would trigger my rebellion.

Until I was 25, books were part of the furniture to me.

They did not evoke action and so they were just collecting dust.

Living life was more interesting than sitting tight and listening to learn and repeat.

I began my corporate career as a temp working evening shift with ripped jeans, earrings and long hair... to become a director.

Why do I say this?

Because grit got me money, career, prestige until around 40, when I broke down and all the great "things" I had built fell apart, professionally and personally.

This led me to realize that since I was a child I had tried to run faster than my fear.

The fear of seeing the people I loved the most suffering and not being able to do anything about it.

Doing more to fix being, doesn't work.

But this is how the innocent mind of a child interpreted his experiences and unconsciously decided to become a saviour.

Thankfully I broke down and in an instant of clarity I saw that

my "hatred" of whiners was my way of rejecting that "weak" part of me that felt sad for not having anybody to go to for solace.

Not that that was real, but it was the truth I believed.

And so rage and rebellion.

Then the breakthrough,

I saw how my mind operated and in seeing the illusory nature of my ego a sense of infinite love and liberation arose that have never left me.

You keep reading my posts where I say that awareness is key and that there is nothing that we need to do, to be.

Now you know where I am coming from.

If you are tired to run in order to find peace, send me a DM we may be a good fit for each other.

How gritty do I look? I promise you it’s only appearance.